The humorist David Thorne_I

Recently recieved an interesting article titled “Missing Missy“, listing conversations between a lost-cat owner and a graphic designer. I also had a chance to view a Mandarin version last night (thank Shiou posted it on facebook). Unfortunately, the one who translated this article seemed to be despaired in hiring designers– the title is “給你一個不要向設計師求助的理由“!  
Oops~

Here it goes:
—–Missing Missy—–

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: PosterHi

I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.
你好 
昨天我在開前門時,讓家中養的貓溜了出去,結果就不見(missing)了,所以我想問一下,如果你沒事要忙的話,希望你能幫我做一張海報。我要 A4 大小,這樣下午我才好影印出來,把海報貼在我的住區附近。

This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.
Thanks Shan.
我這只有這張貓兒的照片,我都叫她蜜西(Missy),她是隻黑白相間的貓,大約八個月大。是在哈博街(Harper street)不見的,還有要附上我的電話號碼。
感謝  小夏上

——————
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone… possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out “Shannon, where are you?” Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.
Regards, David.
親愛的夏儂妳好
這真是件讓人震驚難過的事情。
幸運的是當我坐下讀你的電子郵件時,不是在半路上或路邊的樹上,你是如何振作的呢?
我很驚訝的是你能夠在工作中思考蜜西在哪裡承受著寒冷、恐懼和孤獨…可能躺在道路邊被一輛車壓到牠的後腿然後大叫著”夏儂,你在哪裡?”雖然我手上還有兩件客戶要我在下午完成的工作,不過呢,我一定,會先放下手邊的事,盡全力幫妳早日找回蜜西的。
大衛敬上

——————
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster

yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.
好的,謝謝你。我知道你不太喜歡貓咪,不過我真的很擔心我的這隻小貓咪。我今天下午一點就要離開公司了。

——————
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

I never said I don’t like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham ‘Choose Life’ t-shirt, and he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a wet brown stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat.
Attached poster as requested.
Regards, David. 

夏儂妳好
我並沒有說過我不喜歡貓。

有一次,我被邀請參加一個聚會,為了聚會我去逛街買衣服,買了一對昂貴的G-star 靴子,由於靴子尺寸過小但是我又非常想要穿他們,所以我選擇不穿襪子結果卻磨破了我的腳趾。
但是家裡距離宴會的場所只有幾條街,我決定出發。要走到目的地時,我的腳卻失去了知覺!到達宴會裡,我因為跌倒的關係將手上的食物和飲料潑到一位名為史帝芬的人身上,他當時穿著印有” Choose Life “的T-shirt,他馬上打了我。
事件發生的一個小時後,史帝芬坐到了正在椅子上休息的貓咪。
受驚嚇的貓瞬間出爪子以及咆嘯讓史帝芬快速的從椅子上跳了起來,結果因為地毯滑動讓他的額頭撞到了放置在角落的喇叭,造成2英吋的開放性傷口,而貓也因為受到驚嚇而排便,讓史帝芬的褲子後面留下了褐色的污點。
所以我喜歡貓。

附加檔是妳要的海報。
大衛敬上

——————
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?
那根本不是我要的啦。這看起來像是電影的,還有蜜西的照片為什麼要弄這麼小張?

——————
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
It’s a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.
Regards, David.
夏儂妳好
這就是海報設計。妳的貓走失在留白的空間中。
大衛敬上

——————
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.
這真是蠢斃了。能不能請你把海報弄得正常點?我現在正因為貓兒走失傷心欲絕(extremely emotional),而且整夜以淚洗面(in tears),但你好像只當這事很有趣。能不能請你把照片放大點,然後修一下字,還有拜託你上一下色。謝謝。

——————
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don’t come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.
I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.
Regards, David.

夏儂妳好
妳和我們這群設計師一起工作,應該也有個幾年了,我本來還以為你會懂的,除了繞圈子酸人的意見,我們也不甚歡迎有建設性的批評。我並沒有下樓去告訴你要怎麼傳送文字訊息和系統記錄到 Facebook 上,並要你去盯著視窗。
但是因為你愛貓心切想要讓蜜西在繁忙的街道或是排水溝中儘快回到你的身邊,我願意忽略關於你所說的蠢斃了的失禮建議。

我修了下圖,附加檔是照著你每一項要求做出的海報。
大衛敬上

——————
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say lost.
這比另一張還糟糕,你能不能就把蜜西的整張照片秀出來,然後刪掉那些什麼不見蜜西(missing missy)的蠢字?我只要上面寫個走失(Lost)就好。

——————
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

——————
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.
齁你到底是要不要幫我弄海報?我只要有張照片有寫走失有我的電話號碼然後寫上何時何地走失的再加上她的名字就好。不要弄得像張電影海報,也不要寫些蠢東西了。我今天得早點走。如果今天換作是你的貓走失,我一定會幫你的。謝謝。

——————
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Awww

Dear Shannon,
I don’t have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend’s cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn’t have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go.
I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.
Regards, David.
夏儂妳好
我沒養貓。我確實是有次幫朋友照顧了一星期的貓,不過那是因為他把貓丟在我這,在向我解說貓窩的概念。
附加檔是我一一照著你的細部要求,修改過的新版海報。
大衛敬上

——————
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww

Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.
那隻不是我的貓咪。你是打哪弄來那圖片的?那隻貓的毛是橘色的。我早就有給你我的貓咪照片了。

——————
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Awww

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says “I haven’t seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?” you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.
I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.
Regards, David.
我懂,不過那隻橘毛貓很可愛。只是當妳的蜜西很可能遭遇諸多不測之一時,你也很有可能拿到比那隻更好的貓。
如果有人打了電話,跟妳說:「我沒看到妳養的橘毛貓,不過我有找到一隻黑白相間的,只是牠的後腿被汽車輾到了,妳要這隻嗎?」這樣一來,妳就可以婉拒對方,幫妳自己省下一筆看獸醫的錢。
大衛敬上

——————
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Please just use the photo I gave you.
拜託你,請用我給你的那張照片就好。

——————
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

——————
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.
我並沒有說過有懸賞。我沒有兩千美金。你為什麼要在那兒寫懸賞?撇開這點都很完美了所以能不能請你把懸賞金額(reward bit)給拿掉。感謝  小夏上

——————
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

——————
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.
能不能請你把懸賞相關給全部拿掉?我十分鐘內就要走人,而且我還得要再影印這東西。

——————
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

——————
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine. That will have to do.
好吧,看來我只好用這張了。

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  • Affiliation

    Department of I & C Design, National Taiwan University of Science & Technology
    國立台灣科技大學 工商業設計系 / 設計所

    office no.:
    +886 2 2730 3280
    email: tingyi@mail.ntust.edu.tw

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